


The Secret Life of Gnomes

by Rei382



Series: Drarropoly 2020 [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Case Fic, Garden Gnomes, M/M, Not Established, Open Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:54:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28455663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rei382/pseuds/Rei382
Summary: Draco never thought that out of all the things he considered himself good at, it would be this specialty, which wasn’t even his main profession but just one random bit of research he did as a joke in his 8th year at Hogwarts would be the one that got him called to help solve a case at the Ministry.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Series: Drarropoly 2020 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2025436
Comments: 14
Kudos: 22
Collections: Drarropoly '20: Founders Edition





	The Secret Life of Gnomes

**Author's Note:**

> My 4th submission to the 2020 Drarropoly game!
> 
> *TW: hardcore gnome fetishism, mention of blood, violence & disturbing crime scene (not described)
> 
> My prompt was:  
> Ravenclaw's Diadem, theme: Relic  
> Draco didn't think his highly specialised knowledge would come in handy after he graduated Hogwarts. That is, until Harry asks him to consult on the latest case the Aurors have on their hands.  
> Choose one of the following:
> 
> Photographic memory  
> Arithmancy mastery  
> Extensive research on gnome sexuality

Draco stared and fought hard to keep his face straight. He’d never thought that out of all the things he considered himself good at, it would be this  _ specialty _ , which wasn’t even his main profession but just one random bit of research he did as a  _ joke _ in his 8 th year at Hogwarts would be the one that got him called to help solve a case at the Ministry. And a case that  _ Potter _ , out of all people, was in charge of. And what a thing to be called to in front of an old crush; and one that he had only recently discovered had his preferences not only with girls, as Draco had assumed since Hogwarts, which meant he was just a little bit less unreachable.

He cleared his throat. “You wanted to consult me about the sexual habits of garden gnomes?”

In front of him it seemed that Potter was just as uneasy as he was with the situation. “Yes, uh, there was a, hmm, an  _ incident _ , and, well, our in-house expert knows just enough to be able to tell that it might be a major crime, but it might also just be some kind of, uhm, unique habit of the gnomes – and – uh – “

Draco rolled his eyes. Hot as he was, Potter was also incredibly dense. “Yes, I read all that in the request form. So you think that maybe that crime-looking thing, whatever it was, was a sex thing?”

He felt Potter’s uneasiness, and was amused at the light blush that appeared on his cheeks. He also noticed how Potter avoided eye-contact. “Yes, exactly that.”

“Alright,” Draco said. He kept looking at Potter. Something about the way he looked - even hotter than Draco had remembered him in school, and all flustered about the idea of discussing sex stuff - made Draco feel much more at ease, himself. If he played his cards right… Oh, this could be very fun. “Can I see the full report please? The gnomes have some very unique habits. Some of the activities they engage in may seem strange to us humans. Even dangerous and bordering illegal, as your  _ expert  _ mentioned. They sometimes hang their partners, or use various plants – mostly toxic ones – to tie them up in some sort of a  _ shibari _ type thing – “

“What’s  _ shi -  _ nevermind – uh – “ Draco couldn’t help a smirk at Potter’s tortured face. "Here's the full report.”

Draco took the report from him. He read through it, nodding at various points for the show. He was extremely aware of the strange air of the room: tense and awkward, and he was sure Potter still wasn’t looking at him. His conclusion was clear by the time he finished the report, but that did not mean he couldn’t play just a little bit more. A payback for everything Potter had done to him in school; on purpose or just by being himself – a wild card, strangely attractive and unattainable.

“I see,” he drawled. He felt Potter's eyes on him now. Excellent. "Definite traces of blood. Some burns, to furniture, floor, and to the pieces of flesh found at the scene. Gnomes do have a fancy for fire play, they sometimes like to burn a partner's genitals. With the gnome's unique anatomy the burns increase pleasure. Especially for male gnomes, they like to take a torch and place it on their anus right before – “

“There’s no need to elaborate!”

Draco smirked in triumph when Potter cut into his words like that. He could see he was on the verge of panic, could see the very crimson-like shade of his face. Oh, this really  _ was _ fun. “I was just telling you about the gnomes’ habits, no need to get so worked-up.”

“Yes, uh, yes – I know. It’s alright. I know the report. So, um,” Potter took a deep breath, but it didn’t seem to help him. “You’re saying there’s a good chance it’s just a, uh, sex thing? No need for further investigation?” It was sad how relieved he sounded at that idea.

Draco had to stifle a laugh. “Oh, no. This is definitely a murder case,” he said, keeping his voice casual. He handed shocked Potter the report. “You should look into it and get that sick psycho in Azkaban.”

The look on Potter’s face was worth it like nothing else. “So why did you?..”

“You asked for my expertise,” he replied with a shrug. It seemed like Potter was too astonished to say anything. “Well, my work here is done,” Draco announced. “I hope I was of help. Have a good day, Potter.” He turned and walked towards the door. He heard Potter mumbling something behind him, and it gave him an idea. He could have just a  _ little  _ bit more fun, right? It wasn’t going to hurt anyone. Except maybe Potter, but he didn’t mind it. Potter was a big boy. He’d been through enough and survived it. He could handle Draco enjoying himself a little bit more. “And if you ever feel like hearing more about the sexual habits of gnomes, here’s my business card,” he said. Potter stared at him, red as a cute little tomato, as Draco pulled a card out of his chest pocket and sent it in Potter’s direction. It folded to create little wings and flew directly into Potter’s hand, still held out to hold the gnome report, landing on the printed parchment right as Draco turned again and left the office.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Yes this is the fic I am choosing to end 2020 with. A bit of humor and fucked up scenarios is the way to deal with it!  
> May we all have a better 2021. The bar is set _really_ low so, 2021, you better provide.
> 
> Happy new year y'all!


End file.
